Ask A Kinkster!

What is the most intense scene you’ve ever done?

In a public (around peeps) setting, probably the one at the Upper Floor, which you can see some photos/videos of on their website or on CleanMoralPolite, but involves fellatio, latex, and being hit so hard I fall down… and being beat on with a metal rod while I try to run away in ballet boots. For the record, trying to run away in ballet boots is extremely ineffective.

In private, I’ve done lotsa intense stuff. Being chained down to the bed, being choked, tortured and having my orifices used and then getting zapped on the ass with a big huge cattle prod is pretty high up on my list though.

But I did like it all, so it’s not like any of it was intense in a bad way. Heh. 

5

What are the advantages and the disadvantages of dating either an ex- or current Porn Performer? Any recommendations on how to deal with issues that might come up?

Well obviously there are loads of advantages to being involved with a porn star performer, and as I am dating one myself I am constantly coming across more perks. For me, one of the things I appreciate the most is the wealth of information,  knowledge and rather entertaining stories my partner has to provide, and an openness to experimenting and handling my sexual insecurities (because I have lots) in a much more understanding way then any of my previous, all non-performer partners have.

(The sex is pretty rad too.)

 I have found that porn performers/industry folk are some of the most honest, friendly, and non-judgmental people I have ever met, and I feel pretty ridiculously fortunate to know them.

As for disadvantages, the only one that really comes to mind is trying to balance your understanding of the fact that their career sometimes involves getting fisted/fucked/fellated/etc. by people other than you with your itchy twinges of jealousy-insecure-possessive-type feelings that come with most romantic partnerships where emotional energy has been invested. For me, the only thing that really ever makes my tummy knot a bit is when I come across surprise photos that jump out at you on random sites like smutty little interweb-ninjas. It doesn’t piss me off or make me want to be vindictive or bitchy; it’s kinda just like oh look, that’s not me. Her boobs are way nicer, too. Hmmm.

It reminds me a bit of how I really like spiders, but when I am in the bathroom and go to get a Q-Tip out of the cupboard and I open the cupboard door and then all of a sudden there is a creepy bathroom creeper spider sitting on top of the Q-Tips waiting to eat your face. Even though he’s only a half inch long, it’s still a surprise, and a not particularly great one at that. But you just have to remember that the spider wasn’t planning on freaking you out, he just wanted a Q-Tip.

Basically, stumbling upon internet-ninja-photo/Q-Tip spider sucks sometimes, but it’s really not a big deal unless you turn it into one. Remember that your partner loves you, cares for you and has no intention of hurting you, and it’ll be smooth sailing.

6

Where do you get all those clothes?

Well, if you don’t have direct access to resources – i.e. a partner who already has them, or is buddies with people who make them, I would recommend the vast open wonder that is the internet.There are loads of sites where you can order gear of any type, from basic corsets or stilettos to hardcore gear like chastity devices, ballet boots, latex or arm binders, though it pays to save up your money for special stuff since quality gear runs pretty extreme in the price range.

I am a big fan of unique hand crafted items that can be found on artisan sites like Etsy, as I enjoy supporting the artsy hipster fetish types and having things that are distinctive and one of a kind.

As far as other play-gear is concerned, almost anything you could ever want for your kinky endeavors – rope, cattle prods, eye bolts, chains, vet wrap, plastic wrap, padlocks, leather harnesses or straps, cages, whips and crops, collars, leashes, and more – can be acquired on the cheap at your local hardware or livestock supply store. 

6

What safety measures are there if someone goes too far?

Well, if you are playing at a venue, there will always be security-type people around (commonly referred to as DMs, or Dungeon Masters) to assist you if a situation gets out of hand.

However if you are playing “unsupervised” it is very important that you only play with someone who you can trust completely to not violate your limits and boundaries. It is always reasonable to discuss your limits with your partner(s) ahead of time, and going so far as to write up a list of do’s and don’ts never hurts. Initial play should be more about learning to read one another than pushing each other’s limits, so be cautious until you have familiarized yourself with your partner’s nuances before engaging in more intense hardcore play. 

It is always good to have safety signals, and paying attention to the body language of your partner is at all times important. 

4

Are safe words really a thing?

Yes! And a very important thing at that.

Words like “no”, “stop”, or various expressions of profanity are often mistaken for heat-of-the-moment outbursts, so it is imperative that you have a word that you and your partner(s) agree on in advance to keep the situation from going in a direction that could be dangerous or cause you unwanted discomfort.

The most commonly used word that I have encountered is “RED”, as in the color of the stop light when you are supposed to stop driving – I definitely vouch for “RED”, as it is a relatively uncommonly used word in everyday dialogue, and as a one word expression it is uncomplicated to say, clearly defined, and  easy to remember.

4

How are you able to trust that your partner(s) will stop when you want them to (if you’re at your limits)?

There is really no way to be absolutely sure someone will stop when you want them to, which is why it pays to be very selective in whom you play with, and get to know them first before you take your relationship to the next level.

Don’t make the mistake of assuming that just because someone is (supposedly) experienced you can trust them in a setting where so many things can go wrong. 

1

Do you prefer to be dominant or submissive?

I suppose I might be a bit of an odd duck when it comes to this since I identify as sexually fluid (having no clearly defined sexual preference)… when I am with a male partner I prefer to be submissive/bottom to him, but when I am with a woman I prefer to be the dominant/top.

But I guess when it comes down to it; as long as everyone is having fun I’ll try anything once.

4

Does ‘play’ ever involve sex, or is it kept to pain/humiliation?

It depends on the situation and the individuals involved.

In some cases the play ends up being more like foreplay, as it often ends up leading to hot passionate mattress-busting lovemaking, especially when your partner is someone you connect with on a deep emotional level.

In many cases however, the activities are just play for the sake of play, and while they do involve trust and intimacy, it is on a less personal level than if you are playing with someone you are romantically involved with.

2

Are you on FetLife?

I am!

My Fetlife username is BellaBlush, same as my kinky-superhero-alias thing.

1

What is the most vanilla, or simple kink a person can have, and still allow them to be part of the “kink” community?

Well, although I consider myself to still be pretty “vanilla” (though I suppose some may disagree), I’d have to say that at the very least you have to have some kind of interest (giving or receiving) in choking, spanking, mildly restrictive clothing (corsets et.al.) sensory deprivation (blindfolds) or light bondage.  

But really, if you are even interested in being part of the BDSM “community”, then you are probably kinky enough to be at least an entry level kinkster. 

1